Redford Review: Nick Redford-CSI

I would make one hell of a CSI (crime scene investigator). Yeah, I know, there was absolutely no reason to actually write out what CSI stands for. If you don't know, you really need to grab a remote control sometime. I only watch the original, in Vegas. I hate the spin offs. I don't know why, I think I have maybe seen one of each spin off, but honestly, SpikeTv shows like 24 episodes every day, so I don't need to watch the spin offs. Anyway...

So, as most of you know, Emily (the wife) and I are having a baby. Soon. July something. Possibly June something, as the baby should arrive between the 38 and 42 week marks and 40 weeks would be July 10th. So it could be June. Hell, it could be at the 36 week mark, too, so who knows. Anyway, we had a baby shower in Pittsburgh last weekend thanks to my mother and sisters. We got a ton of stuff that the baby i definitely going to need, so it worked out.

Now, for those of you who have actually spent any time with me, or this blog, you know that I have many things, and I am lacking only one thing: Patience. (ok, i also do not have any GPS devices, so that's two things I am lacking, but that's completely besides the point). Now, having no patience, the first thing I did when we got home on Monday was to open all of the boxes of stuff for the baby and put everything together. (Its all together and working properly, thank you all). This left us with a relatively common dilemma, lots of empty boxes. Now, I , being as lucky as I am, have always worked for companies that are owned by family members. Its just the work environment I enjoy and find the most conducive to my preferred lifestyle.

Now, part of that lifestyle would be the ability to throw away larger trash by putting it in the dumpster in the parking lot. Redford had it, and so does Fantasia. So I loaded up the empty boxes into my car, and headed to work today.

When we got here, the dumpster was wide open (its usually locked) and it was completely full. I was a bit discouraged, being that I have load up a bunch of boxes into my car for a rally this weekend and the back of my car is full of baby product boxes. Then I go into work, and a coworker is upset at me because she had to clean up empty boxes in the parking lot when she got here and thought it was us who loaded up the dumpster. When I explained that we had not yet overloaded the dumpster and it must have been someone else, we began to get upset. So, I went over to the video surveillance system and watched the video for last night. I caught them. I saw the person pull into the parking lot, then pull out 15 seconds later. Then about 15 minutes later, they pulled back in. This time they stayed for about 4 minutes, then left. Then AGAIN about 10 minutes later they pull back in and stay another few minutes.

So I go outside and join my coworker in looking through the garbage for anything identifying the culprit. She found it. Inside one of the boxes was a packing slip. This brain surgeon had left a packing slip with her name, address, and finger prints all over it. We didn't even need the fingerprints.

We called the cops.

So about 15 minutes later, a state trooper shows up to file a report. Normally, nothing is done of this because of the lack of evidence. Not with Nick Redford on the case. So we gave him the packing slip and showed him the video tape. He asked if we could burn the footage on DVD for court if necessary, which we could, and he said the best quote I have heard in weeks: "Wow, I really don't think you guys could have possibly made this any easier for me to solve." Yup, we did it. We solved the case. Before the cops even showed up.

So he goes to the woman's house. In her front yard sat (and I kid you not) the very car that was easily identifiable in the video, and a ton of garbage bags that (I surmise) were being readied to load up our dumpster tonight, or perhaps another innocent victim's dumpster. Maybe even yours.... So the cop goes up and knocks on her door. He held up the packing slip and asked the woman, "Where do you think I got this?" Dude, this cop was bad ass! Who says that? That has to be the most awesome thing a cop could possibly say to a suspect. I mean, really, that's what TV cops would say! This guy is my new hero, even though he needed a pregnant woman and a couple of sex toy proprietors to solve the case for him. Ok, he would have solved it without us, we just happened to not have anything better to do this morning.

Needless to say, the criminal (no need to assume innocence, we got her on freaking tape) was mortified. The phone rang in Emily's cubicle. We looked at the caller ID. It was the same last name as the packing slip. After careful deliberation, we decided to answer the phone, of course, the deliberation took much more time than the person was willing to wait for someone to answer, so they had hung up.

A few minutes later, the state trooper showed up and told us what had happened at the woman's house (which is how I have all these details, for those of you who are doubting the validity of this story). He told us that the woman was very apologetic, and asked him to ask us a favor on her behalf. She would like to come over and take everything out of the dumpster that she had put in, and clean up the garbage that had spilled out, in exchange, she would like us to drop the charges.

We decided that since we do like to have goodwill in the neighborhood, that we would agree to the terms. The state trooper told us that if she did not show up in a reasonable amount of time, to call him right away and the charges would be reinstated and he would make the arrest. He went and told her of our incredible generosity.

About 20 minutes later, I glanced out the window and saw the same gold blazer from the video, but this time, it was being loaded up, in the rain, with wet, wet cardboard boxes. After she had finished, she actually came into our building. The women looked to me to answer (in case she was hostile, you know how women get). Needless to say, she was very apologetic. Actually, it was funny, the first thing she said to me was: "Hi, I, uh, I'm the one who got in trouble." I was cordial to her, and accepted her apology, and told her that its really no big deal, we just can't have it happen again.

So, now, I am off, into the sunset to fill up a now mostly empty dumpster with baby toy boxes.

Case closed.